Today's post is presented in three sections, each dealing with devotion and religion.
Hey wait! Come back! It's not what you think!
Actually, it's a little bit what you think, but not totally.
Section #1: Grocery Store Grammar
For some people, correct grammar is a religion unto itself and worthy of strict and unforgiving devotion. I get a little twitchy at some of the things I see in text messages, Facebook status updates, newspapers (is subject/verb agreement too much to ask, Shreveport Times?), and I admit that this is a futile effort at staving off the forces of grammatical entropy. Shorter is quicker. Catchier is more popular. It's so much easier to say "What cause are you devoted to?" than "What is the cause to which you are devoted?" Eventually we will look back on it and tell ourselves, "It was ever thus" and never wonder about not ending sentences with propositions or saying "data are" instead of "data is" or rearing children instead of raising them. On to the story.
One of the common things I hear about is grocery store express lane aisles with signs that say "X items or less." The issue at hand here is what Grammar Girl calls "Count Nouns versus Mass Nouns" and it refers to using "less" instead of "fewer" or the other way around. If you can count the things you're talking about, then you use "fewer." If you can't count them, then you use "less." In the grocery store case you can count the items in your basket or cart, so the sign should read "X items or fewer."
Today such a sign presented me with an extra bit of irritation. It read
EXPRESS LANE: ABOUT 12 ITEMS OR LESS
About? What's the deal with using "about" on the sign? Were they not sure where they wanted to set the bar in order to be eligible for the express lane?
Signmaker #1: I'm okay with twelve, but I'm not completely sold, either. Eleven, thirteen or maybe even ten or fourteen could be acceptable. How do we put that on a sign?
Signmaker #2: We could hedge our bets a little. How about "CIRCA 12 ITEMS OR LESS" instead?
#1: Hmm, "circa" sounds a little fancy. We don't want people thinking that we're smart or anything.
#2: Approximately?
#1: Too long.
#2: About?
#1: Perfect!
Section #2: Saint Doorman (the Great)
One night back in May a friend came to our house for dinner. She belongs to an order of nuns called the Marianites of Holy Cross. She told us she would be going to Rome in October to attend the canonization ceremony for Andre Bessette, one of the early brothers of the Marianite order. When asked what was so great about him that led to his impending sainthood, our friend said that he opened doors and showed great devotion to the Lord and St. Joseph.
I said, "When you say that he opened doors, do you mean that he was a great missionary who went all over the place and opened doors for the faith?"
She said, "No, he opened the doors at the church so that people could get in. In fact, he hardly ever left Montreal."
Ladies and gentlemen, I am clearly in the wrong business. I am going to devote myself to a new calling, that of opening doors. I'm not limiting myself to churches. I'm going for churches, houses, shops, banks, restaurants and everything else I can get my hands on. My skills at opening doors, la maniere dans laquelle j'ouvre la porte, will become legendary. Scotty Williams as you knew him is no more. From now on you may call me Saint Doorman (the Great). Yea and verily, the path to eternal life lies in saying, "Here, let me get that for you." Amen.
Sad Devotion
Finally, I'd like to end on a depressing note. Sorry about this. I'll make it short.
I fear for my religion. As time goes by more and more people think it's irrelevant to how they live their lives. In classroom or social situations over the last two or three years, a majority of mentions of a Catholic priest have been followed by something about little boys. Sometimes the person saying it knew that my uncle is a priest. In ten years I'll be coming out of church or in some other public setting, and somebody will scoff at my "sad devotion to that ancient religion." I'll just hang my head and move on, not even able to choke them with the Force and express my disturbance at their lack of faith (which I guess would be un-Christian anyway).
I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Friday, July 02, 2010
World Cup 2010
Welcome to the World Cup 2010 edition of the lascotty blog. Here are the things I've been noticing and thinking about.
1) A lot of people have been complaining about the vuvuzelas, the loud horns that fans are blowing in the stands. I pretty much tuned them out after the initial series of games. I think that Swiss fans should not have vuvuzelas, but should instead wear large, loudly-ticking clocks around their necks.
2) South Africa lived for decades under a brutal apartheid regime that forcefully mandated segregation between whites and blacks, with a white minority in control. New Zealand's soccer team is called the All Whites.
3) Nelson Mandela spent 27 years locked away in a political prison on Robben Island. The Netherlands have a player named Arjen Robben. (NOTE, the gentlemen on the Off the Ball podcast on ESPN call the Netherlands the last English-speaking country left in the tournament)
4) Being in the Southern Hemisphere, South Africa is hosting the World Cup in the winter. This must never be allowed to happen again (except for 2014 in Brazil, of course) as it prevents Brazilian female fans from dressing appropriately.
5) The country of Spain is still divided--emotionally if not politically--as a result of Francisco Franco's regime. He suppressed all regional cultures that did not align with the Castillian language and culture. The city of Barcelona (and its soccer team) and the Catalan culture were one of these. The modern rivalry between Barcelona and Real Madrid is stoked by Spain's political history, and some people believe that one reason Spain has not yet won a World Cup is that their players are not united as one team playing for one nation.
So when I was watching the national anthems before one of Spain's games, I was interested to note that none of the Spanish players were singing along to their anthem. I crushed them. I thought they were unpatriotic losers who didn't deserve to play for their country. Then the announcer comes on and says, "Of course, the Spanish Royal March has no words."
Oops. Mea culpa, amigos.
6) Once the World Cup reaches the knockout rounds, tie games go to two 15-minute overtime periods. If there is still a tie, the game is decided by penalty kick shootout. I don't like this as a way of picking a winner, but it's dang exciting nonetheless.
I played soccer for ten years. I was good. I wasn't the greatest, but good. I never missed a penalty kick. I even kicked it in the same exact spot every time. I lined up to the left of the ball, ran up and banged it into the lower right corner of the net with my left foot. Never missed once. The goalie has no chance. Don't fool around. Just smash it into one corner or another. I just got off the phone with someone and told them that even if you put me in the World Cup in front of 90,000 people, I'd still make 10/10 penalty kicks. Easy for me to say, of course.
Ghana made it through to the second round on the strength of penalty kicks. They beat Serbia 1-0 and drew Australia 1-1 by scoring two penalty kick goals. How fitting--or crushing, from the Ghanaian point of view--that they go out today and lose in a penalty kick shootout, after their best player Asamoah Gyan missed a penalty kick on the last play of overtime.
7) I am convinced that Uruguay won because they brought on the awesome power of Andres Scotti.
8) In the U.S. game against Slovenia, the Americans had a goal disallowed under very questionable circumstances by Malian referee Koman Coulibaly. Coulibaly was born on the Fourth of July.
9) In Mexico's game against Argentina, the first goal of the game came when an Argentinian player received the ball in an offsides position and headed it in. Mexico went nuts, as well they should have. The guy was way offsides.
The part I found fascinating is that Mexico was furious that someone from another country crossed an invisible boundary line against the law and was rewarded instead of punished. I am sure that Arizona governor Jan Brewer sent Mexican president Felipe Calderon some flowers out of compassion.
10) Whoever plays England should always request that their national anthem be played first, because following "God Save the Queen" is a tough task. Have you checked out the lyrics to the rest of the verses? That song is amazing. The second verse is my favorite:
12) Japan has a player named Keisuke Honda who scored a couple of goals during his team's run at the World Cup. I wish hia name was Keisuke Toyota, so that when he scored the announcers could say, "That Toyota is unstoppable!"
13) Finally, let's talk about soccer in America. Every four years people ask "When will soccer catch on in America?" I think that's the wrong question to ask, because it's already happened. Millions of kids play it growing up. Dozens, if not hundreds of colleges and universities have men's and/or women's soccer teams. There's a 16-team domestic American league called Major League Soccer. Soccer has already caught on.
The question I think some media mean to ask is "When will soccer become a major professional sport like baseball, basketball and football--or even hockey?" I don't know. One or two of those other sports will have to fall by the wayside, even more than hockey has since the last strike and losing ESPN's TV contract. The domestic league will need some high-profile American players across the board, not in New York or Los Angeles. People need a reason to live and die with a soccer team the way they do for teams in other leagues.
Though I hate to say that a sport should be judged by anything other than its onfield play, there needs to be some drama here. This is one of the main differences between "soccer" and "World Cup soccer" or even international football. Interest in the World Cup is not the same thing as interest in soccer. World Cup is country against country, culture against culture, history against history. When Germany plays Poland, that means something bigger than the ball and the net. When France plays countries in Africa it used to own, that means something. In the group stage of this tournament, the U.S. played England, meaning that the United States listened to its national anthem, written about a battle in which men from their country fought against men from the other team's country. Brazil played Portugal. France plays against former African colonies. Spain plays against Central and South America. World Cup offers so much of this stuff; Major League Soccer does not.
Until it gets some teeth to it like some of the European leagues and (to a lesser extent) American pro sports have, I'm not sure soccer will ever "take off" as people want/expect it to. You need some anger and loss and despair and frustration and joy and hope and excitement and fulfillment and all that stuff to have a successful league. I'm not sure how to create it here, and I don't know how we'll get it by watching Americans play in Europe.
1) A lot of people have been complaining about the vuvuzelas, the loud horns that fans are blowing in the stands. I pretty much tuned them out after the initial series of games. I think that Swiss fans should not have vuvuzelas, but should instead wear large, loudly-ticking clocks around their necks.
2) South Africa lived for decades under a brutal apartheid regime that forcefully mandated segregation between whites and blacks, with a white minority in control. New Zealand's soccer team is called the All Whites.
3) Nelson Mandela spent 27 years locked away in a political prison on Robben Island. The Netherlands have a player named Arjen Robben. (NOTE, the gentlemen on the Off the Ball podcast on ESPN call the Netherlands the last English-speaking country left in the tournament)
4) Being in the Southern Hemisphere, South Africa is hosting the World Cup in the winter. This must never be allowed to happen again (except for 2014 in Brazil, of course) as it prevents Brazilian female fans from dressing appropriately.
5) The country of Spain is still divided--emotionally if not politically--as a result of Francisco Franco's regime. He suppressed all regional cultures that did not align with the Castillian language and culture. The city of Barcelona (and its soccer team) and the Catalan culture were one of these. The modern rivalry between Barcelona and Real Madrid is stoked by Spain's political history, and some people believe that one reason Spain has not yet won a World Cup is that their players are not united as one team playing for one nation.
So when I was watching the national anthems before one of Spain's games, I was interested to note that none of the Spanish players were singing along to their anthem. I crushed them. I thought they were unpatriotic losers who didn't deserve to play for their country. Then the announcer comes on and says, "Of course, the Spanish Royal March has no words."
Oops. Mea culpa, amigos.
6) Once the World Cup reaches the knockout rounds, tie games go to two 15-minute overtime periods. If there is still a tie, the game is decided by penalty kick shootout. I don't like this as a way of picking a winner, but it's dang exciting nonetheless.
I played soccer for ten years. I was good. I wasn't the greatest, but good. I never missed a penalty kick. I even kicked it in the same exact spot every time. I lined up to the left of the ball, ran up and banged it into the lower right corner of the net with my left foot. Never missed once. The goalie has no chance. Don't fool around. Just smash it into one corner or another. I just got off the phone with someone and told them that even if you put me in the World Cup in front of 90,000 people, I'd still make 10/10 penalty kicks. Easy for me to say, of course.
Ghana made it through to the second round on the strength of penalty kicks. They beat Serbia 1-0 and drew Australia 1-1 by scoring two penalty kick goals. How fitting--or crushing, from the Ghanaian point of view--that they go out today and lose in a penalty kick shootout, after their best player Asamoah Gyan missed a penalty kick on the last play of overtime.
7) I am convinced that Uruguay won because they brought on the awesome power of Andres Scotti.
8) In the U.S. game against Slovenia, the Americans had a goal disallowed under very questionable circumstances by Malian referee Koman Coulibaly. Coulibaly was born on the Fourth of July.
9) In Mexico's game against Argentina, the first goal of the game came when an Argentinian player received the ball in an offsides position and headed it in. Mexico went nuts, as well they should have. The guy was way offsides.
The part I found fascinating is that Mexico was furious that someone from another country crossed an invisible boundary line against the law and was rewarded instead of punished. I am sure that Arizona governor Jan Brewer sent Mexican president Felipe Calderon some flowers out of compassion.
10) Whoever plays England should always request that their national anthem be played first, because following "God Save the Queen" is a tough task. Have you checked out the lyrics to the rest of the verses? That song is amazing. The second verse is my favorite:
- O Lord, our God, arise,
- Scatter her enemies,
- And make them fall.
- Confound their politics,
- Frustrate their knavish tricks,
- On Thee our hopes we fix,
- God save us all.
12) Japan has a player named Keisuke Honda who scored a couple of goals during his team's run at the World Cup. I wish hia name was Keisuke Toyota, so that when he scored the announcers could say, "That Toyota is unstoppable!"
13) Finally, let's talk about soccer in America. Every four years people ask "When will soccer catch on in America?" I think that's the wrong question to ask, because it's already happened. Millions of kids play it growing up. Dozens, if not hundreds of colleges and universities have men's and/or women's soccer teams. There's a 16-team domestic American league called Major League Soccer. Soccer has already caught on.
The question I think some media mean to ask is "When will soccer become a major professional sport like baseball, basketball and football--or even hockey?" I don't know. One or two of those other sports will have to fall by the wayside, even more than hockey has since the last strike and losing ESPN's TV contract. The domestic league will need some high-profile American players across the board, not in New York or Los Angeles. People need a reason to live and die with a soccer team the way they do for teams in other leagues.
Though I hate to say that a sport should be judged by anything other than its onfield play, there needs to be some drama here. This is one of the main differences between "soccer" and "World Cup soccer" or even international football. Interest in the World Cup is not the same thing as interest in soccer. World Cup is country against country, culture against culture, history against history. When Germany plays Poland, that means something bigger than the ball and the net. When France plays countries in Africa it used to own, that means something. In the group stage of this tournament, the U.S. played England, meaning that the United States listened to its national anthem, written about a battle in which men from their country fought against men from the other team's country. Brazil played Portugal. France plays against former African colonies. Spain plays against Central and South America. World Cup offers so much of this stuff; Major League Soccer does not.
Until it gets some teeth to it like some of the European leagues and (to a lesser extent) American pro sports have, I'm not sure soccer will ever "take off" as people want/expect it to. You need some anger and loss and despair and frustration and joy and hope and excitement and fulfillment and all that stuff to have a successful league. I'm not sure how to create it here, and I don't know how we'll get it by watching Americans play in Europe.
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