Sad Devotion, Ancient Religion

Today's post is presented in three sections, each dealing with devotion and religion.

Hey wait! Come back! It's not what you think!

Actually, it's a little bit what you think, but not totally.

Section #1: Grocery Store Grammar

For some people, correct grammar is a religion unto itself and worthy of strict and unforgiving devotion. I get a little twitchy at some of the things I see in text messages, Facebook status updates, newspapers (is subject/verb agreement too much to ask, Shreveport Times?), and I admit that this is a futile effort at staving off the forces of grammatical entropy. Shorter is quicker. Catchier is more popular. It's so much easier to say "What cause are you devoted to?" than "What is the cause to which you are devoted?" Eventually we will look back on it and tell ourselves, "It was ever thus" and never wonder about not ending sentences with propositions or saying "data are" instead of "data is" or rearing children instead of raising them. On to the story.

One of the common things I hear about is grocery store express lane aisles with signs that say "X items or less." The issue at hand here is what Grammar Girl calls "Count Nouns versus Mass Nouns" and it refers to using "less" instead of "fewer" or the other way around. If you can count the things you're talking about, then you use "fewer." If you can't count them, then you use "less." In the grocery store case you can count the items in your basket or cart, so the sign should read "X items or fewer."

Today such a sign presented me with an extra bit of irritation. It read

EXPRESS LANE: ABOUT 12 ITEMS OR LESS

About? What's the deal with using "about" on the sign? Were they not sure where they wanted to set the bar in order to be eligible for the express lane?

Signmaker #1: I'm okay with twelve, but I'm not completely sold, either. Eleven, thirteen or maybe even ten or fourteen could be acceptable. How do we put that on a sign?
Signmaker #2: We could hedge our bets a little. How about "CIRCA 12 ITEMS OR LESS" instead?
#1: Hmm, "circa" sounds a little fancy. We don't want people thinking that we're smart or anything.
#2: Approximately?
#1: Too long.
#2: About?
#1: Perfect!

Section #2: Saint Doorman (the Great)

One night back in May a friend came to our house for dinner. She belongs to an order of nuns called the Marianites of Holy Cross. She told us she would be going to Rome in October to attend the canonization ceremony for Andre Bessette, one of the early brothers of the Marianite order. When asked what was so great about him that led to his impending sainthood, our friend said that he opened doors and showed great devotion to the Lord and St. Joseph.

I said, "When you say that he opened doors, do you mean that he was a great missionary who went all over the place and opened doors for the faith?"

She said, "No, he opened the doors at the church so that people could get in. In fact, he hardly ever left Montreal."

Ladies and gentlemen, I am clearly in the wrong business. I am going to devote myself to a new calling, that of opening doors. I'm not limiting myself to churches. I'm going for churches, houses, shops, banks, restaurants and everything else I can get my hands on. My skills at opening doors, la maniere dans laquelle j'ouvre la porte, will become legendary. Scotty Williams as you knew him is no more. From now on you may call me Saint Doorman (the Great). Yea and verily, the path to eternal life lies in saying, "Here, let me get that for you." Amen.

Sad Devotion

Finally, I'd like to end on a depressing note. Sorry about this. I'll make it short.

I fear for my religion. As time goes by more and more people think it's irrelevant to how they live their lives. In classroom or social situations over the last two or three years, a majority of mentions of a Catholic priest have been followed by something about little boys. Sometimes the person saying it knew that my uncle is a priest. In ten years I'll be coming out of church or in some other public setting, and somebody will scoff at my "sad devotion to that ancient religion." I'll just hang my head and move on, not even able to choke them with the Force and express my disturbance at their lack of faith (which I guess would be un-Christian anyway).

I don't know what to do.