Idol Television

I'm sure I've mentioned before that nothing makes me laugh the way American Idol does. It's an extremely well-constructed show that somehow got more popular in its fifth year. It's multifaceted, with the comedy of bad singers to start out with, the emotional drama (which I don't watch) of Hollywood tryouts and interpersonal conflict as contestants must team up and work together, and the tension and "what will happen next?" element of the voting and elimination rounds. You can jump on and off as you wish and not miss anything vital.

So it was with great glee that I watched the 2-hour results show last night. I tried to vote for Taylor Tuesday night but the lines were busy. Based on his performance, just about everybody figured him to win, so I wasn't too upset. The only question was what they would do to lead up to what seemed to be a foregone conclusion. Well, they came up with what I think was the best episode of the year. You can read Lisa de Moraes's column about it here.

Start off with Taylor and the McPheever singing with Carrie Underwood. Good. Katherine singing with Meatloaf: not the greatest combo, but bizarre enough to capture one's attention. The American Idol Awards were a great idea, but I wish the loony they gave Best Male Vocal to had been hit by a bus before he made it to the Kodak Theater.

Elliott's mom winning Best Family Moment was nice, and it was too bad that Elliott had to get big-timed by Mary J. Blige during their duet. She tried to sing right over him at every turn, instead of singing with him. And at the end, the belted out a note and stalked off the stage, leaving him in her dust. Real classy there, Bligey. (though I will admit she's probably good to see in concert)

Solo by Underwood, though my cousin said she'd have preferred a different song.

The ladies' sextet performance was nice, and it was especially pleasing to see Mandisa on stage again. I hope she does well. Girl can sing and perform as well as anybody in the competition, maybe better. And I'm pretty sure you must have been born without a soul if you don't like her.

Puck N Pickler was hilarious. Kellie Pickler just makes me so happy. If she's playing dumb, then she deserves more Oscar nominations than Meryl Streep. If she really is that dumb, then she deserves a dozen guardian angels to watch over her. Spitting escargot into her napkin and running away from live lobsters is great comedy. Wolfgang Puck made for a great straight man, too.

The Randy Jackson Award for Public Speaking went to foul-mouthed trashbag Rhonetta Johnson. This could prompt a lot of people to say they're being too mean. These people can't defend themselves against the titan that is AI. So why should they pick on them? Answer: for our entertainment, of course. And Rhonetta was a thoroughly unlikable character, so we sort of feel like she had it coming. The "Rhonetta" they panned to to receive her award may not have been the real one, as far as I can tell. I could be wrong.

I can't describe the Toni Braxton/Taylor Hicks any better than de Moraes, so I won't try:

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"Braxton is singing -- such as it is -- phonetically and therefore doesn't realize that this is a song about a little child who needs a helping hand because he's living in the ghetto. Instead, she mistakes it for a song about a ho and her pimp, as played by Braxton and Taylor, on whom she tries to perform a standing lap dance, winning her the Golden Idol Award for Most Inappropriate Performance During an "Idol" Finale."

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"In the Ghetto" is a fantastic and moving song, and I don't think Braxton is up to it. Great legs, pretty girl. But spiritual she ain't, at least not when she's singing. I couldn't understand her anyway.

The highlight of the night for me was the American Idol Award for Best Impersonation. It went to the guy who auditioned dressed and styled as Clay Aiken. He stunk, and he said he was nervous and had to pee. So they told him to go to the bathroom and come back. He still stunk. So it was quite surprising when Seacrest asked him if he would sing for them. He starts in on "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me", when the stage opens up behind him, and Clay Aiken, the Dorky White Boy himself, walks out. He sneaks up on the guy and starts to sing, rendering the impostor speechless and looking like he was about to cry and wet his pants. As Clay keeps on singing--well, of course--Seacrest asks the kid if he's okay. I think he was in love, to be honest. That's good television, boys and girls.

So there you go. Congratulations to Soul Patrol for winning. Congratulations to the McPheever for making the finals and discovering that people like gazing upon huge tracts of land. And congratulations to Fox for taking the freight train that is American Idol and keeping it running at full speed. Well done all around.