Dave Barry used to write a very funny column for the Miami Herald until he decided to quasi-retire in order to spend more time with his family. This is what professional coaches and politicians say when they resign right before they end up getting indicted or sued for something really bad. But in Barry's case, it seems to be true. "More's the pity," as the wonderfully-written Artemis Entreri has taken to saying. Imagine the material he could create if he were indicted for something like, say, pig-stealing.
All he really has to do is tell the truth now and then, and it's even funnier (or more depressing) than the stuff he makes up. Every year he writes a review of the previous year's biggest stories, some of which are even true. You can read his latest here.
My favorite lines are all about Joe Biden, for some reason. Maybe it's because I listened to some of the Roberts confirmation hearings on C-SPAN radio, of which Biden was a big (and long-winded) part. Apparently Dave did, too. Some examples:
In other government news, President Bush's nominee to be attorney general, Alberto Gonzales, undergoes a grueling Senate hearing in which Democrats probe him repeatedly about his views on torture. At one point, the Democrats threaten that, if Gonzales does not give them the information they want, they will force him to listen, without ear protection, to a question from Sen. Joe Biden. "No!" screams Gonzales. "Anything but that!"
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The Senate reaches an agreement ending a stalemate over the confirmation of Bush-appointed judges, thus avoiding the so-called "nuclear option," under which Sen. Joe Biden would be allowed to ask a question, thereby shutting the federal government down for months.
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In non-hurricane news, the Senate confirms the Supreme Court nominee known as "John Roberts" after the Judiciary Committee spends several fruitless days trying to trick him into expressing an opinion by asking trap questions such as, "Can you tell us the capital of Vermont and your views on abortion?" The only moment of drama comes when Sen. Joe Biden launches into his opening remarks, thus causing several committee members, who forgot to insert earplugs, to lapse into comas.
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